Um, excuse me. I'm actually claircognizant, thank you very much.
I don't see things; I just kind of know them. And I don't totally know how or why.
Actually, that whole "clairvoyance" thing is actually kinda basic these days... Real tacky old-school oracle stuff.
Like, Cassandra?? Who ever believed that chick??
...
Claircognizance. The kind of cool pedantics you can expect from us here at The Cards Say To Break Up With Him Dot Com.
...
All joking aside, though, I don't really know what's going on here. I've always been... woo-curious, let's say, but I've also always been a little embarrassed about that,
so I couch it in a certain amount of skepticism and irony (e.g., this 1997-era Geocities website). But, I wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't keep working somehow.
[But, you know, also: Is the Spotify algorithm REALLY that good, or am I in fact actually summoning the exact perfect songs from the ether to match my precise mood? Take me with a grain of salt, is all I'm saying.]
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Say To Break Up With Him (Dot Com)
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Oh, hi. I'm Nate.
And I'm here to convey unto you
We'll chat, I'll give you some thoughts / advice to think on,
S P I R I T U A L G U I D A N C E
that definitely won't just amount to:
and it'll all honestly probably be weirdly on-point.
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IN-PERSON & VIDEO TAROT READINGS, FROM A PERSON WHO HAS DONE THEM BEFORE**
I've been reading for over a decade now, and I definitely have a bachelor's in psychology,
so I am extremely qualified to advise you on all manner of things:
** Deck pics available upon request. |
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AVAILABLE ANY TIME, DAY OR NIGHT*
Call or text, and we'll set up a time to chat —
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READINGS ARE PRICED BY ANGEL NUMBER, BECAUSE I KNOW Y'ALL LOVE THOSE
P.S – Follow my insta , for regular discounts on readings!
Tips are always appreciated, but they will not change your reading. The future cannot be bought. But!
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Call or text "I-SLUT-CARDS" I'll be expecting you. |
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Usually a 10-card Celtic Cross or a quickie 3-card Past/Present/Future. Also usually the classic Rider-Waite deck — in particular this gross little guy I've been
hauling through heaven and earth since 2015. And, yes, usually a little buzzed — to thin the veil to the Spirit Realm, you see.
...
Oh, wait... Did you mean HOW I actually glean information about your life from the cards?
SHORT ANSWER: Hell if I know, man. Makes me a little nervous, too, honestly.
LONG ANSWER: Psychic or not, spiritual or not, I do believe in energy — and in stories. And, by all accounts, I'm kinda intuitive, pretty good at reading people, and I've got
a lot of practice connecting the dots and telling stories. I’ve also been through a lot of shit, made a lot of bad decisions, and therefore have a lot of weird and painful wisdom
I’d just as soon spare you the trouble of learning yourself firsthand.
So, to the best of my abilities, I try to find a story in the cards that makes sense of what you (and they) are saying, and what knowledge and advice you can take
away from all that. But, to be clear, more than anything, it's a conversation we're having, figuring things out as we go. I may think the cards are saying one thing at the start, but, as we work
through the spread and talk a little more, new meanings may come to light, and we might have to go back and revisit. This isn't me trying to bullshit my way out of
a corner; this is just the way we actually get helpful answers.
Thank you for phrasing that as a question, I appreciate it.
As I mentioned above, the way I do tarot is less about giving you a reading and more about us having an open discussion,
that gradually narrows in on what story and advice best fit you and your specific situation. If you want to be obstinate, and not tell me
anything about yourself — "shouldn't you know already??" — and shoot down every idea and suggestion I throw out, then,
yes, Mr. Cool Skeptic Man, it's probably going to be a garbage reading, good job.
Listen. Ultimately, we are A Team, OK?
Team Break-Up With Your Butthole Boyfriend.
But the magic, whatever there is of it, only happens when we do it together.
I will say, though, despite being increasingly suspicious about this whole thing, the cards I lay out are almost always crazy-pertinent to the question at hand.
Sometimes it takes a little interrogation to really crack them, but I am always, always kind of weirdly on point.
[The handful of times I’ve been totally “wrong” in a reading, it later turned out the person was hiding something they weren’t prepared to reveal —
from themselves or their friends or their angry boyfriend staring daggers at me right next to them, etc.]
I don't get why it works, but I'm running with it, because it keeps proving itself.
NOT. Storytime: As I started doing more and more readings, I decided to check out some of the local professional prophets, and see what I could learn from them.
(Also, I had a desperate mega-crush I really wanted some answers on.)
Half a dozen sessions later, I have to say, the most bullshitty thing about them was that they all gave me nothing but good news...
none of which actually turned out to be true.
This struck me as extremely, ahem, short-sighted on their part. I guess rosy readings have the customer walking away happy, but they aren't gonna come walking back
if all you've shown is that you're full of sunshine and lies.
So, fair warning: I don't pull punches in my readings. People hear "tarot," and they see my dumb witch hat (which, admittedly, totally fire-bombs my credibility),
and they think trite and light. But I'm here to tell you what The Cards Say, and it's not always pretty.
That said, despite my jokey URL, I'm also not automatically going to clobber you with shitty dramatics either. Again — and I'll repeat it a thousand times more, to
ward off thrashings and lawsuits — I'm just telling you what The Cards Say.
But here's the good news: I'm not your therapist, and I'm not your friend. (Yay!) We just met, and we've only got a short time together, so we can get right down to business.
I don't have to tiptoe around a tricky subject, or gently lay out clues for you to slowly figure out on your own. I will just straight-up TELL YOU what's going on and what you should do —
often loudly and repeatedly — because you need to hear it, and because who else can say it? Never unkindly, of course! But sometimes kindness is telling you the rough stuff, too.
Also, for what it's worth, I never just drop a shitty omen at your feet and bolt off in the night. (Pretty classic crone move, actually.)
My goal is to give you honest context and guidance, so that you're prepared for whatever you decide to do next — even if it's completely ignore me.
Lots of ways! We offer a variety of services — from single-card pulls to hours-long tarothons — in every medium a medium can provide:
For now, your best bet is to call or text "I SLUT CARDS" (475-882-2737) or email nate@thecardssaytobreakupwithhim.com to set something up.
(Text is fastest; calling is most egregious.)
Brooklyn, NY / The Veil Between Spirit Realms
Which is to say, wherever the Spirit takes me. (I do out-calls!)
Yes! I do do readings for groups of people, but I don’t LOVE doing them with the entire group sitting there.
And there’s a chance you won't love that either, actually. Like I've said elsewhere, I don't super "pull punches" in my readings. And so, if The Cards
Say something about your secret crush, for instance, and she's sitting right there next to you, eyes all wide, well, that might get kind of
awkward for everyone. Then again, this might be just the nudge you need to immediately go make out in an alley! So, your call.
But, if you do have any dark secrets or stuff you’ve been avoiding or things you don’t want getting around, well... I’ll try to dial it
back if other people are around, but it’s really best for everyone if I can just be straight with you. And that usually means it's just you and me.
If you ARE a psychic exhibitionist, however, we're actually working on a thing where we do public readings on a cam girl website, where folks
will be able to throw money at you and make catty background remarks about your bad life decisions.
Listen. I didn't buy the most hard-working U.R.L. of all time on accident. Over the past decade, I've done a fair few readings,
and the main reason people come to hear their cards read is because they already have a feeling about something, and they’re looking for
affirmation / confirmation. More to the point, the thing they’re usually having a feeling about is that they should leave their terrible boyfriend or quit their terrible job.
So, it's not like you don't know the answer to this. But, like, why would I make my U.R.L. so amazingly apt if you were just gonna listen to its advice?
It would save you a lot of trouble and cost me a lot of business. But, so far, it hasn't been much of a problem.
There's a line from this song that's like the unofficial theme of The Cards Say To:
Part of the reason it's sometimes easy to guess what the cards are going on about... Part of the reason I made this the main joke of the website...
Part of the reason people look to a buncha cards for answers... is that a lot of truths are pretty obvious and apparent. Most of the time,
I'm not telling anyone anything wildly innovative...
If your boyfriend is mean or abusive or distant or unfaithful or etc., you're likely aware, on some level, and you're probably
already trying to get out, to some degree. But, that kind of big, life-altering decision doesn't happen all at once. You ponder, you spin your wheels, you look at a
bunch of self-affirming social media posts, you talk to your friends/family/therapist, etc. But sometimes, you still need that extra little push from Fate or The
Universe or [Fill-In-Your-Spiritual Blank].
And so, I'm here, ready to lend a hand, offer up some perspective, and shout the facts a bit more thoroughly and emphatically than you might for yourself.
That’s, like, the whole job right there. But, in a way, the stupid U.R.L. has kept me honest, because it really can be too easy to push quitting or leaving or breaking-up as
the easiest, most obvious punchline to most problems. I've always tried to be fair, but the site has made me soften some of my own biases, at least at the beginning: Innocent
until proven guilty, in the matter of The Cards v. Your Boyfriend. But, to be honest, after even the most diligent poking and prodding, it's usually STILL what The
Cards Say in the end:
So, yes. It's right there in the U.R.L. But we should still talk about it first.
Hey, good looking out, thanks. You're right, I'm really just asking for lawsuits and ass-kickings from the very asshole boyfriends
for whom this website was named. I don't know that a disclaimer is gonna do me much better, but I'll get a couple of hexes warmed up as well.
DISCLAIMER: All my insight and advice come directly or obliquely from the spirit world, and are definitely not me secretly trying to give you thinly-veiled therapy.
I'm here to, loudly and enthusiastically, give you something to think about. And, while I'm usually right, as it pans, your choices are your own,
and you don't have to listen or do anything at all if you don't want to.
I'm fake, the cards are fake, time and money are definitely fake, but experiences are real, right? XOXO. Amen.
(OK, that should cover me, right?? Lawyers? Yes???)
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* The hotline is OPEN 24/7. Whether or not I ANSWER...
I might be sleeping or drinking or having a mood disorder.
Nights generally better. Texts generally less horrifying.
Or just email: nate@thecardssaytobreakupwithhim.com
| LAST UPDATED: 8/3/25 — FAQ is live! Still need to clean up the code, get mobile a little better, and add Easter eggs. I mean, what Easter eggs! |
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